How To is Slate's sex advice column. Do you have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It's anonymous!
Dear How To,
I'm a cis man who divorced a cis woman about a year ago. Up until my divorce, I had a pretty conventional sex life. But since then, I've been exploring. And by exploring, I mean I occasionally meet men, which has been a positive experience. But recently, I've taken a new step.
I had a five-way orgy with people I met online. Everyone played it safe and had a great time. I would even consider doing it again. The problem is that since then, I have felt an intense sense of guilt that I have never felt before. Being bisexual is one thing, but being an “orgy guy” feels different.
I also plan on settling down with a long-term romantic partner someday. I worry that most people would be distressed to learn this about a potential partner. I wouldn't necessarily want to keep it a secret, but I would certainly be afraid to reveal it. Am I wrong to feel this way?
—Social Butterfly
Dear Social Butterfly,
I'm not sure that most people would be upset to find out that their partner has participated in same-sex orgies, but there are certainly are People who would be very anxious. The question to ask yourself is whether these are the people you would want to settle down with. On the one hand, yes, something that might shock people will further narrow your pool of potential dates. But keep in mind: you are only looking for one long-term romantic partner, you don't need the entire pool to be interested in you to find one.
It’s also helpful to think about why you want to settle down and how you want that relationship to play out. Do you have ideas about what long-term relationships should look like that might unnecessarily limit your options in the future? Where do these ideas come from? And, when you revisit these thoughts, are they aligned with your own values and desires?
No matter where your feelings end up settling, remember that our emotions arise without permission, but we can control our actions. And be patient with yourself: the orgies will be there if you want to keep participating in them. There is no pressure to decide one way or the other at this point.
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Dear How To,
I have been married for over 10 years. Of course, sex life has become less frequent. We used to have sex every day when we were a couple and before we had children, but now it is only once a week if I am lucky. However, it is not the worst. We only have one position now, doggy style. My wife gained weight after having children, so she only feels comfortable with this position. I have tried two or three other things, but she says it is too sensitive. I do not know what to do. I find sex quite boring and, as a result, it is increasingly difficult for me to get an erection. Any way to talk to her about it? Or other advice?
— Spice it up
Dear Spice It Up,
What do you miss about positions other than doggy style? Variety probably comes to mind first, but it’s worth digging deeper. Is connection on the list? Could it be replicated by incorporating a mirror (assuming your woman is comfortable with that) or engaging in verbal exchanges during the act? Is it a certain angle? Experiment with using pillows to prop up her hips or chest to get a wider range of sensations.
You will need your wife’s cooperation for both of the suggestions I made above, and it will require a conversation. Look back at previous issues you have successfully resolved to come up with tactics to use when you approach this and future topics. In your own words, you might start with, “I am trying to figure out how we can continue to connect sexually and I have some ideas I would like to share with you.” Or, “I want our physical relationship to continue to grow and I would like to work together on how that can happen. Are you willing to discuss our sex life?” Give her space to respond and go from there. Demonstrate kindness and a desire to add to what you have already built together.
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Dear How To,
How do you get rid of or at least reduce fantasies that you don't necessarily want to have? To put it in context, I've been with my boyfriend for several years and in the last year or so I've suddenly developed a sort of sexual crush on, I would say, my boyfriend's very good friend, which is really unfortunate. It usually takes the form of small fantasies and I think it's mostly the novelty of thinking about it. I would never cheat on my partner and I don't want to do it when we're all together in person. But I still feel guilty about entertaining this fantasy. I feel a bit like I'm betraying my boyfriend. Is this a problem? What can I do?
-Forbidden
Dear Forbidden,
First, know that you are not alone in having fantasies that make you feel uncomfortable. Over the years, we have heard from many people who have found themselves in the same situation. The only real solution we have found and often recommend is to practice mindfulness (and therefore meditation), so that you can redirect your thoughts to something else when that fantasy arises. This approach requires constant redirection when the unwanted thoughts arise.
While we generally agree that there is no such thing as thoughtcrime, the fact that you encourage this in yourself when you feel like you are betraying your partner raises a red flag for me. There is a fine but relevant line between passively experiencing fantasies and willingly returning to them, and it seems that you are indulging in the latter. So take some time to reflect on your own moral and ethical values on this topic. What feels right and wrong to you? Where do you draw the line? How comfortable are you being near those lines? And, if you wish, it would be helpful to explore the “whys” behind each of these questions. The more you understand, the happier you will be with the choices you make.
Dear How To,
My wife, who I have been married to for about thirty years, does not seem interested in having traditional sex with me. This was not always the case. She seems different in recent years and I suspect she has been involved with her polyamorous friend. I have some limited evidence that something has happened, but nothing definitive. She can achieve orgasm with clitoral stimulation, but she seems distant and potentially fantasizes about another opportunity.
I asked her about it, but she denies it and says that traditional PIV sex is painful. She seems almost uninterested in me stimulating her with my penis, much preferring to lie on her back and be stimulated with my fingers. She will then “do” me and feign arousal, but I know it's just for show. I'm not sure I can do this long term, but I also don't know how to find a solution. Help!
—Healed
Dear Scarred,
You use the word “seem” more than once, but you don’t mention having any discussion with your wife. While addressing the subject directly can be scary, it’s the best course of action. After all, it would be a shame to end a relationship based on assumptions when a conversation could help you get back on a happier path. The more you understand the situation, the more likely you are to find a solution that works for both you and your wife.
But beyond the fact that your wife “seems different” in recent years and that you perceive her as a woman who fakes the desire for penetration, what you describe seems pretty common. Many women derive much more pleasure from clitoral stimulation and can accept or refuse penetration when it is for their own direct pleasure. So try not to start your conversation with accusations against your wife, it will only hurt you in the long run.
—Jessica
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