Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for over 50 years and recently retired. I was looking forward to having some free time to do more of the things we had talked about together. We have always been friends and spouses.
But it seemed almost immediately that my husband made a bucket list and started doing things he loved or thought he would love. This includes extreme sports that require a lot of training time and lessons. Then there are trips to practice sports.
Whitewater rafting is one example. We live in the desert and I don't know how to swim, so I can't participate in these activities. I'm happy that he's happy but I think he's a bit selfish. I also feel a little left out.
I expressed my concern, but he thinks I'm just stupid and he doesn't understand why I feel left out. Is this normal?
– Left at home
Dear Left At Home: You are not stupid. Your husband put on a life jacket and crossed the desert like the cartoon Road Runner. It's no wonder you feel left out.
Let's put it down to poor time management and zeal for this new phase of life. It's great that he's exploring new hobbies, but without a list of shared projects, your emotional bucket is going to feel empty.
Tell him that you don't blame him, but that you also want to check off a few activities that you can do together. Did you make a list a long time ago? Take it out and see what still turns you both on. Or make a new list. Then, get out the calendars and start making a plan.
We communicate what is valuable to us through how we spend our time. Your shared time together is probably valuable to him too, but it will take a little pleading. Time may seem plentiful right now, but calendars fill up quickly.
Also take the time to make your own list. What are some things you can explore alone or with friends while paddling the rapids? Your time is also valuable.
Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
