Unpacked is AFAR's advice column. Once a quarter, Dr Anu Taranath addresses an ethical dilemma a reader recently faced. Taranath is a speaker, facilitator, and educator based in Seattle, Washington, specializing in racial equity and social change. She is the author of the book Beyond Guilt Trips: Mindful Travel in an Unequal World (Between the Lines, 2019). If you have a question you would like to consider, please submit it to unpacked@afar.com.
I just took my teenager on an amazing trip to Spain. I thought a lot during the trip about the travel behaviors I was modeling for him (both good and bad). One of my main goals was to instill in him a love of travel, but of course I also want him to travel with intention, respect and resilience. What are your tips for our next trips?
Family travel can be filled with joy and wonder, but keeping a trip positive can be trickier than it seems. Will your teenager like it? Will you get along? How could you focus on the great opportunities available to you and avoid any potentially unhelpful family dynamics that undermine everyone's spirit? To help your teen love traveling, let's break down some essentials.
Find comfort in change
The purpose of travel is to move us away from the familiar, which means a change from what we know. Change is difficult for many of us and can be especially difficult for a teenager who is already dealing with big hormonal and social changes. Try to be gentle: Being away from the familiarity of home, friends and routine may replace the excitement of travel.
Talk to your teen about the changes travel can bring. Tell them what might make you uncomfortable about changing your own routine so you can invite them to share. Let them know that you, too, are learning to go with the flow. Teenagers are often programmed to find their parents grumpy and seek to exercise their own independence. Even if they don't respond with long, flowery paragraphs, teenagers listen to us and often look at us attentively.
Give your teen agency and a voice
Consider your travel arrangements, itinerary and activities. Does your teen feel empowered when traveling? Is this primarily about your trip, or does your teen have a say in where you go and what you see? I'm not suggesting you coddle or acquiesce to their every whim to gain their favor. That said, they should not simply feel hostage to our whims.
If anything, I got better results when I approached my own teens as participants and planners. This can take many forms and gestures, big and small. During a recent trip to Vancouverwe found a cute boba cafe for my older teenager, even though it was out of our way and no one else in the family drinks bubble tea. During a trip to Indiawe planned a day trip to a forest knowing that my youngest teenager would enjoy the wildlife. Although I may not have done either activity on my own, both teens enjoyed doing something they chose and had an interest in.
“What is the small and big thing you would like to do during our trip?” » and “How can we plan this trip so that it also overlaps with your interests?” » can be powerful openings that invite your teen to co-create your family's experience. Allowing our teens – no, encouraging them – to connect and engage means we will have to seriously consider their contributions, less as if we are doing them a favor, and more because we sincerely believe that traveling with them will enhance the experience of each.
Zoom out beyond travel
Let's consider the relationship you have with your teenager outside of the context of travel. What types of positive experiences do you value and seek to cultivate on a daily basis? How do you and your teen communicate, make decisions, carry out plans, and listen to each other?
Our core family relationships can influence our mood, temperament, energy and behavior, whether we are at home or traveling. Our travels may expose us to new sights, sounds, and experiences, but the dynamic between us as a family usually moves alongside us.
Share the whys of the trip
If you want to encourage your teen to love traveling, explain to them why traveling is important to them. You. Share what sparks your passion and the travel memories that still hold dear to your heart. Stay away from fluffy, saccharine statements like “Travel opens up my worldview” and, instead, be gritty, vulnerable, and real. “Walking through this open-air market at GuatemalaI couldn't help but think of the fancy grocery stores we shop at. Traveling sometimes makes me feel uneasy about what I have access to, but in a good way.
Is it important to you that your teenager feels exactly the same way you do about traveling? Or are you willing to follow their lead and help them discover what matters to them? Because we can't force anyone to feel the same way we do about traveling. The possibilities expand if, on the contrary, we follow our teenager's example, stay curious and discover something special together. This all starts at home before you even board a flight. Find ways to connect and share daily life experiences. Open up and let these moments grow and expand into explorations of the rest of the world.