Apparently, I'm a “been there, done that” kind of person. I personally would love to gain first-hand knowledge about a person or place, but apparently most people don't think that way. My response now is to stay quiet and out of these conversations.
Traveler: Even if it is not your intention, I fear that your contribution may seem to some as bragging. Travel is not accessible to everyone. Many travelers like to bring back knowledge and stories, but those who missed the boat may not appreciate these memories.
The next time you find yourself in one of these conversations, take the opportunity to ask the people present what they are passionate about or interested in a person or place. Let them talk about their own connection. It may not be as knowledgeable as yours, but it is no less valuable.
If you want to share your first-hand experience, make sure to respond to their story. Speak from your own enthusiasm rather than your expertise. This makes the conversation more like a group of people talking about the wonders of the world rather than just one person seemingly giving a lecture, even if that’s not your intention.
I sense in you a desire to tell your travel story. That's what these people are trying to do too. Take the opportunity to continue discovering exotic places, even while staying at home.
Dear Eric: When I was 16, over 50 years ago, I had a girlfriend who lived in a neighboring town. One day I brought a marijuana joint when she visited. While her parents were away, we smoked it in their garage. Suddenly, we heard a car pull up and stop. Her father, a police officer, and her pastor came in.
That is, they were all the same person. Her father was the chaplain of the police station. He smelled smoke, took me to the police station, then to the bus station, and told me never to come back to their town. I didn’t. I exchanged a card with the girl a few months later, without really expressing anything more than vague regret.
Today, 50 years later, I found her name in the local newspaper and she is a county judge!
I struggled with alcohol and drugs for a while in my youth, but at 36 I got sober and clean – thanks in part to a suspended DUI conviction – and I still am. I wondered if it would be appropriate for me to write her a message to let her know this and express my hope that the consequences of our mistake will not be too dire for her and her family.
Modifies: Congratulations on your decades of sobriety. I am glad that you have found solutions that work for you and that continue to have a positive impact on your life. I think your ex-girlfriend, the judge, would be happy to hear about it as well. An unexpected note from someone from the past who asks for nothing could be a welcome and happy surprise.
Reparations are not about changing what happened, but rather about improving future possibilities. To do this, we acknowledge the harm that was done and work to repair what we can. So don’t beat yourself up too much about what happened. You may be thinking about the incident through the prism of all the other substance use missteps you’ve made in the past.
Bringing the joint to her house wasn't the best strategic choice given the one-man criminal justice system under her roof, but it may have taken on an outsized importance in your mind over the years.
Telling him the next chapters of your story and making amends could then have a positive and balancing effect on both of you.
One would hope that as a judge, she would be familiar with the effectiveness of alternative sentencing for nonviolent drug offenses. In particular, drug treatment through drug courts, with follow-up care, has been shown to have a 38 to 50 percent lower recidivism rate than incarceration for drug offenses, according to the Stanford Network on Drug Policy.
Your story can help put a human face on the problem of drug addiction. It’s something she could come back to as she looks at the law, the numbers, and the cases before her. Your story has the power to change many more lives than you think.
(Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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