She is now starting to say that she doesn't really want to take trips to visit family in other states, including during the holidays.
I want to take a family trip to the beach this summer and visit my aunt along the way, and she's already complaining that my aunt's house is boring and doesn't have good WiFi (okay, this last part is true and boring). I want to respect her wishes, but I also don't think that at 15 she should be in the driver's seat of family travel decisions. What to do?
Anonymous: Recognize that you have entered an awkward phase. This is when everything you do, say, think, wear, breathe, or chew is embarrassing to your teen.
Most parents of teenagers do this, if not all, so I have to think that you and everyone who has ever seen a movie knew this was coming? So maybe my role is to point out that even cool trips can't give you an exemption.
The next thing you do is accept it. Your child is trying to figure out who he is outside of you. Your choice to not take emotional separation personally is a great way to enable it.
Next, decide how this will work within your family. A parent of course wants to be “in charge” of the family. But that doesn't mean you have to declare that you set the agenda for the trip and that he or she will follow you and enjoy it. That's one way to take the wheel, of course, but there are others.
You can also pick your battles: maybe the window has closed on the luxury resort vacation card photo (sorry), but maintaining ties with extended family is not optional, no matter how many holes she burns in the photos with her suffering. In all fairness, let her have her say on some plans.
Another option is to encourage your students to travel while you suspend family travel, until all parties are welcome to participate again. This is a risk; you are betting everything on the hope that those days of togetherness will return, which may not be the case. The passage of time will not be denied.
However, forcing things isn't just about wasting money and exposing yourself to toxic scrutiny. It is also a form of silence under the guise of leisure. It changes and grows, so why shouldn’t your approach to travel (among other things) change and grow with it? This sets a tone of respect, not capitulation – and respect is the kind of family value that can inspire adult children to travel with their parents throughout their lives. Once the awkwardness goes away, at least.
Set aside some of those hard-earned resources, and maybe you can give your daughter her leaner years, as well as any family she might have. I'm sure she'll like you a lot better then and you'll be a lot more fun.
