Desert Travel Tips – Part 3
People are often told that it sometimes feels like you are wandering in the desert when you embark on a journey of discovery. That's why we call our podcast and this blog The Desert Sanctuary. This is especially true when you deconstruct religion. It's hard work and there are no set paths to follow, and it's best not to follow anyone's specific path. This is your trip!
However, after interviewing hundreds of people on our podcast, we noticed that the things people told us helped them on their journey. We continue to refine this in our writing and in our interviews. Please consider these as general guidelines and not requirements, and I hope you have something to add to the list that we haven't thought of.
If you missed parts 1 or 2, check them out Part 1 Part 2
1. Seek a trauma-informed therapist / Do some deep inner work.
As a pastor, seeking advice from a licensed professional didn’t seem natural. Although we talked about it from time to time and didn't really criticize people for doing it, we also didn't actively promote or endorse it as the most effective method. The subtle assumption was that God would meet all our needs and that, if we had enough faith, God would surely make us “new creations.”
Pastors often exclaim, “Who can I tell about this?” » But after thinking about it, I now see this feeling as one of the many things we have hidden behind to avoid the hard work of improving ourselves. We kept ourselves busy and created co-dependence between people, where we could at least seem to improve. We could have had better relationships with people, but it was also a road less traveled.
Currently, I am thriving greatly because I have finally engaged in several modalities that have helped me deal with my trauma and understand how I got there. I have done shadow work with Benedictine sisters, intensive weekends to combat shame, and several types of inner work and somatic therapies. I also incorporated various things I learned along the way from other travelers.
My current therapist is a trauma-informed therapist who combines a lot of these things, and I told him yesterday that I'm making progress and I'm grateful.
2. Become familiar with regulation and somatic therapies.
Before deconstruction, to me, regulation only meant the rules that governments sometimes imposed on people to keep them in check. Now that I understand trauma better, regulation is a way to calm my nervous system when I'm triggered by something. This may be too simple a definition, but I am still learning more and it has been very helpful to me.
When I'm triggered, things like breathing help me regulate and bring my whole brain back online after being turned off. But somatic therapies can do more than that. They can go back to the initial trauma that caused me to react to the triggers and help integrate them so that my brain and body react differently to the trauma triggers from that point on. It's a small, gradual growth process that takes time, attention, and a little work.
3. Listen to survivors’ stories without judgment.
Repeatedly, the women we interviewed strongly emphasize that men, in particular, should listen to their stories. We usually read books on leadership, theology, etc. But the women in our lives tell us that what they want most is for us to read their stories and listen to them with empathy, understanding and without judgment. No explanation or summary of their thoughts, just listen.
With all the talk about Alpha Males, it's easy to get our masculinity wrong. But generally speaking, confusion about women is our initial state since puberty. Why then? It's because we don't listen well.
4. Be comfortable with solitude.
We used to tell young married couples, “If you can't be alone, you shouldn't be together.” » The feeling is that we need to know our identity and have a good sense of self before we try to combine our lives with those of others. Being comfortable in solitude doesn't mean we're lonely or that we don't like people, but it does mean that when nothing is happening, we can do productive things on our own. We no longer need to furiously search for meaning in others, but find our meaning in our true authentic selves.
We go within, we find meaning and purpose within ourselves. Then we really have something to offer others.
Be where you are, be who you are, be at peace,
Karl forehand
https://thedesertsanctuary.org/
Religious Trauma Resources
The Desert Sanctuary Podcast
Karl forehand is a former pastor, podcaster and award-winning author. His books include Out into the Desert, Leaning Forward, Apparent Faith: What Fatherhood Taught Me About the Father's Heart, The Tea Shop, and Being: A Journey Towards Presence and Authenticity. He is the creator of The Desert Sanctuary podcast and community. He has been married to his wife Laura for 35 years and has a dog named Winston. Her three children are grown and starting to multiply! You can learn more about the author here.
